As an instructor of nearly 10 years of the international fitness sensation, BodyPump, I've seen it all. This is a list of DO NOTs for your underpaid, over-trained, and over-certified fitness instructors.
1. Do not compete with me. While you have one job - which is to listen to me - I have multiple. Not only do I have to "exer-tain", but I must manage every one of my senses to ensure that YOU have a good time and a challenging workout.
2. Do not highjack my class. Just because you're taller, and wider, and stand in my way, they pay ME, not you, to lead this class.
3. Leave the technology at home. I am the only one to be pushing buttons and it's called a stereo. Quit pushing mine and stay off the g.d. crackberry.
4. Leave the vanity at the door. Do not use my mirrors to judge your "Hot or Not" status.
5. Put your $h!t away. At $14/hour, I don't get paid enough to pick up after you.
6. Stay on beat or stand in the back. Honestly. This is not a racially motivated request either, Caucausians.
7. Work out. Actually do the class if you're going to take up space. If you don't break a sweat, you've just wasted your time, and mine.
8. Don't ask me what's next if I just told you what's next. I might lie the second time around.
9. Do not stand directly in my face. If you see my chewing gum, you're in my bubble. It's awkward, you're weird and I scream.
10. Do not skip the cool down and be on your merry way. That's just rude.
11. Take your sweat, snot and yuck rags with you. See #5.
12. Do not try to beat me to the next gig in class. Again. My class, I'm the boss, you take instruction from me. See #2.
13. Do not wimp out. Your Gucci purse is heavier than that barbell you're lugging around. I know you can work harder, so do it.
14. You challenge me, I'll challenge you harder. When I challenge you, take it and trust me, it's good for you.
15. Do not stare at me. No one looks pretty in this condition, please don't remind me with your creepy ways.
16. Ditch the monkey-see-monkey-do behavior. Listen to what I say, follow instruction and be prompt. I start to question your competence when I observe you observing the dope in the corner. Again, see #2.
17. Tell me if my makeup is running down my face like black rivers of tar. Or when I start to resemble KISS. Why would you let that happen? You'll be my new BFF!
18. Do not talk over me. I have the mic, and yet I have to turn it up, to be heard over you.
19. Do not tell me I goofed. I know.
20. You CAN laugh at my jokes. "Exer-taining" isn't as cracked up as it seems. Give me a courtesy laugh now and again.
21. Do not make me tell you twice. Wow, see #8, 12 and 16.
22. Work on good form. It's for you, not for me.
The End.
