When the hell did I make the turn right into Crazytown? Can somebody tell me precisely when it happened? Perhaps I can't remember the dream where I was told to walk into the doorway of doom, but clearly it happened. Somewhere. At some point.
Actually, not one word of that is true. I am not crazy - at least I don't think so and surely if I thought I was crazy, I'd gleefully admit that to anyone who would listen. What seems to make me crazy, by the standards of society, is that I am knocking on the door to 33 and am in that category with the never been marrieds. And I am pretty damn old for this group, I guess. What makes me stand out as completely crazy, is the fact that not only am I without child, I can't think of a more hated notion for myself than becoming a mother. That's right. I said it. Shank me. I don't want kids. They scare the bejaysus out of me. They don't listen. They're creepy (seriously, my neighbor kids are the creepiest children I've ever laid eyes on. They make the twin girls from The Shining look like sweet little angels as they're screaming REDRUM or something along those lines.) Truth is, I adore children....as long as they are not my own, and they choose to keep themselves at a fair distance from me.
When did we decide that the only thing in life is marriage and children? Why is it so foreign to live without one, the other, or - GASP - both? Why am I looked at as though I am Satan in disguise whenever I say out loud that I never intend on either for myself? "Ohhhhhh, Christy! YOU JUST WAIT!" (which is generally followed by some insane laugh that is, apparently, supposed to make me jump up and down with excitement over waiting for IT to happen to me.)
Now, I am not knocking anyone who has tried marriage and had it either work for or against them. It's a wonderful institution for some. Just. Not. Me. Living in sin with some nice gentle soul would suit me just fine. But kids are out of the question. This is what my sister and brother reproduced for (not with one another, but with their respective spouses. I have some questionable redneck stuff going on in my family, but not my immediate peeps!) My adorable niece and nephews are available for me to love up all over whenever I want. And the best part about that is, I get to give them back when I am done! I implore people to stop puking all over the spinsters of the world. Maybe we don't want your puke on us! Maybe we look forward to adopting 76 cats and living happily ever after (or until someone calls Hoarders due to that horrendous smell wafting from the home of someone with, now, 70 cats and 6 dead somewhere in the house. Not that you can keep count of 70 cats.)
I understand that "it's different when they're your own" and that life changes for the better when you birth out 3 children. I get it. That doesn't make me want it any more than I did before hearing it. The older I get, the more frustrated the "look" from people is making me. Mind your bidness and tend to those creepy kids instead of telling me to have my own.
All this aside, I am a wonderful babysitter and would be willing to donate a Saturday night or two for something as simple as a Big Mac and a Redbox rental. I'm easy. Maybe this is why I am not married.
The little cat blurb made me remember that the annual Christmas card this year will be of me posing with as many cats as I can find (all vaccinated for rabies, of course.) If any readers (do we even have any readers?) have cats they'd be alright with me using for this Kodak moment, I would be greatly appreciative. I figure if I get cards of kids saying "Happy Holidays from The Anderson's!" then I can do the same with my cats.
(By the way, as much as many of you will want to do, please don't call me out on my being allergic to babies when, suddenly, I become pregnant at 35 years of age. I don't want to be reminded of my hypocritical views. I think anyone who knows me knows this entire blog was a joke. No, I don't dream of being married someday. And no, I don't want to give birth to children. But I don't loathe or think kids are creepy. You think I am some sort of monster or something? Actually, I love kids. They always pick me for their server when they come into the restaurant so obviously I don't hate them. I more despise poor parenting and lack of discipline which has created demon children.)
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