Can't get 'em to stay, can't get 'em to go away 2.0

Originally penned November 2011: Can't get 'em to stay, can't get 'em to go away

UPDATE TO PREVIOUS BLOG POST. I don't get it, why is this so confusing for this young man? If he were to recall, I didn't want to share my number with him in the first place, but he wasn't going to take no for an answer. So what else is a young polite lady to do but instead take his number and avoid him until he gets the hint? There is nothing NOT to get!

Let's consider all the options here. 1) Perhaps I'm no longer, or was never, interested. 2) Perhaps I have a loving boyfriend, versus a psycho one. 3) Perhaps after all this nagging, you're really really showing your true colors. 4) Perhaps I'm questioning your competence. 5) Perhaps it's the random insults that turn me off. 6) Perhaps I'm hoping you "get it". 7) Perhaps I already regret stopping for gas that day.

Worst Texter Backer Ever

To some, I am affectionately known as being the "worst texter back ever". Literally, a facebook post said so, "liked" my several friends and family. I remember the day when text messaging became an option, albeit a painstaking process of pushing buttons on a flip phone sometimes three to four times in a row to accomplish just one letter. We've come a long way since then, smartphones, IM, Twitter, Facebook, traditional email, all accessible by a simple app, at any moment, by anyone. And because of all these ways in which to communicate, I have become increasingly overwhelmed with the sheer volume of technologies to respond to. I have become the worst texter back ever. The simplest tool of them all, at my fingertips, has become my rebellion.

I started to think, in the olden days, texting was so laborious, it was limited to brief messages, updates, FYIs, a quick flirty "I'm thinking of you". Now, as texting has become our main mode of instant communication, much preferred to a phone call, users and abusers alike have resorted to having complete conversations across texting. Whereas, originally, it was designed as a convenience, it's become (for me) a complete pain in the ass. Thus, evolved my texting rebellion. Let me give you a few Burger Rules of Etiquette.

1. You're more likely to get a response from me, if you ask a question or provide me a reason to reply. Assuming it's an appropriate question and is necessary for me to respond. Just to occupy your time is not sufficient for me to waste mine.

2. If a text conversation is started, and its purpose has been exhausted, I will stop playing our silly game. Call it ADHD, or "that's just Burger" but you've lost my attention.

3. I appreciate you more as a text buddy if you keep it short, succinct and to the point. And I'll play fair.

4. I do enjoy funny short stories or photos, those texts brighten my day. But it starts and ends there, because that's how it would happen in person. A friend shares, a friend receives, the end.

5. Etiquette also says that you shouldn't text after a certain time at night, the only object I sleep with at night is my phone, and I want it to neither ding nor vibrate before my morning alarm clock.

6. Don't text me to tell me you sent me an email or left a voicemail. Honestly.

7. Avoid, at all costs, text shorthand. I'm a spelling and grammar Nazi and I will rip your text to electronic shreds (or not respond) if you're writing to me using Algebraic language with letters and numbers. They don't belong together in math, and they certainly don't belong together in a text message. Ate is not 8. See is not C. You is not U. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I believe text messaging is meant to share exciting, funny or important messages conveniently throughout the day, doesn't require a lot of energy from either party, can be responded to at leisure (if at all), is worthwhile and isn't something that is duplicated by another technological means.

A majority of the texting world doesn't share my opinions, so therefore, I've been labeled the worst texter backer ever. If you don't get a response, you've been red-listed. But you can redeem yourself, if, IF you demonstrate proper Burger texting etiquette.

A texting relationship with me can be harmonious, given these suggestions and recommendations. Anything else, I am THE most stubborn worst texter back ever and you might as well delete my digits from your smartphones' smartaddress book.

The Top 10 Most Annoying Text Habits (courtesy of Cosmo).
1. The Mass Text
2. The Texting Cult (when everyone brings their text plan as their date)
3. The Double Message (see number 6 above)
4. The Texting Tease
5. The Bulk Texter
6. The Bored Texter
7. The Show-and-Teller
8. The Goobers and Popcorn Texter
9. The Lingering K
10. The Needs-To-Grow-A-Pair Texter

Hit me up!

Can't get 'em to stay, can't get 'em to go away

Met this fella at a gas station. He was pleasant enough. Asked me if we could hang out, I said I wasn't really available. He saw the bike on the back of my car, suggested we hit the lakes for a ride someday. I considered it, and suggested that I take his number and I'd let him know when I was up for it. He caught onto my game quickly, and suggested that he text me his number. Wishing to avoid anything awkward, I obliged and gave my number. He texted once, twice, thrice and eventually I said, thanks but I'm booked. Since then, he has checked in from time to time. After he said "have a nice life", I figured that was the end of it. After two months, it is really necessarily that I respond back with a clarification that no, indeed I do not want to be friends? Boys! Honestly, explain to me your reasons!

Reasons SBNC is SBNC!

Why Women In Their 20s Get Hitched When They Should've Ditched by Joelle Caputa.

Young women with crumbling marriages should be thanking Kim Kardashian. She's giving each of their mother's something else to analyze 24/7.

Divorce in your 20s is horrifying enough to go through, let alone having to explain the change of your social network status to curious connections and fretting family members. For each woman on the receiving end of all those "I'm sorry," and "what happened?" sympathies is a stressed out, scared little girl wondering how her fairy tale turned into failure.

Through interviews conducted for the book I'm currently writing, Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s, I've noticed common themes among women who divorced before hitting the big 3-0.

While the factors behind every relationship's demise are different, the underlying motivation behind marriage is similar for some of the women:

It was convenient. When maintaining a comfortable long-term relationship in your 20s, the next logical step is to get hitched. Madison, a 29 year-old accountant from New Jersey who is sharing her story in Trash the Dress, admits to marrying even though she didn't feel "crazy love," because was "content and secure instead."

A previous relationship left them heartbroken. They say you never really get over your first love. Tara, a 26 year-old freelance writer from North Carolina admitted during our interview, "I didn't think I would ever fall in love again so I figured it didn't matter who I married."

I can relate. Breaking up with my college boyfriend left me devastated. He wasn't just my first serious relationship; he produced the beats to my heart for years. I never thought anyone could ever make me feel that way again, so I settled for the memories and pledged my honor to someone with whom -- wait for it -- I was in a convenient relationship.

Madison also attributes a past heartbreak as a reason why she became Mrs. to Mr. Wrong. After being told over the phone by her first fiancé, "I have cancer and can never see you again," Madison had an understandably hard time trusting love. She married her ex-husband because "We were both financially stable and could have a good life. I loved him, but I'm not sure about actually being in love with him. I felt that I would never be hurt by him as long as I didn't give my whole heart."

They hoped marriage would change things. I am guilty of this mindset. I thought once we were settled into newlywed bliss, my ex-husband would be happier with his own life and able to hold a steady job and show me more affection. However, the honeymoon ended during my engagement. I brushed our problems aside, directing my efforts to tracking down black ostrich feathers for my bouquet and the perfect all-pink flower girl dress.

Casey, a 35 year-old travel correspondent and founder of GirlsGetawayGuide.net, described her ex-husband to me as "immature and insecure." She married him at age 24 and recalls "I thought getting married would fix those problems."

They had low self-esteem. When interviewing Kim (not Kardashian), a 30 year-old social worker who is now one of my best friends, she confided "I was a very insecure individual at that time. I was losing weight from gastric bypass surgery and wasn't happy with my appearance. He told me I couldn't do any better and I believed him."

During a recent interview about my divorce, the producer commented on a photo of me on my wedding day saying, "You don't look like yourself." She told me to cover my smile with my hand and look at my eyes: they were blank.

I had my doubts, but it wasn't until I was walking down the aisle that I realized the person I was about to marry was not my soul mate. I wasn't overwhelmed with joy taking steps towards the man of my dreams, father of my future children. I was seriously hoping everyone loved my dress. Emotionless, I read my vows and listened to my groom recite the sentiments I wrote for him- red flag?

Of her pending second divorce, 31 year-old Kardashian (who was married in her 20s to music producer Damon Thomas) wrote to fans on her official site, "I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have."

There's not one main reason that I, Kardashian, or any of the women I'm interviewing for Trash the Dress, can blame for why we got married. Some of us had inklings that our marriages were not meant to be but went ahead with it anyway. Others were over the moon in love. The one thing everyone does have in common, however, is that the end of our marriages were just the beginning to the rest of our lives as strong, independent, successful women.

Innocent Thief

After admiring two pieces of jewelry, and paying too much for the one I selected, how do you prove your innocence when the vendor calls to say the jewelry I didn't buy is now missing. FML.

A diet coke or a diet Burger?

Yesterday, at a sushi buffet, the server asked me for my drink order. I ordered a Coke. Seeming to not have heard me, he said "Diet Coke?" I replied, "No, a regular Coke is fine" and he says "Are you sure? No Diet Coke?". Perhaps that's a message that I should skip the soda all together, and the buffet!

Confessions of a Veteran BodyPump Instructor

As an instructor of nearly 10 years of the international fitness sensation, BodyPump, I've seen it all. This is a list of DO NOTs for your underpaid, over-trained, and over-certified fitness instructors.

1. Do not compete with me. While you have one job - which is to listen to me - I have multiple. Not only do I have to "exer-tain", but I must manage every one of my senses to ensure that YOU have a good time and a challenging workout.

2. Do not highjack my class. Just because you're taller, and wider, and stand in my way, they pay ME, not you, to lead this class.

3. Leave the technology at home. I am the only one to be pushing buttons and it's called a stereo. Quit pushing mine and stay off the g.d. crackberry.

4. Leave the vanity at the door. Do not use my mirrors to judge your "Hot or Not" status.

5. Put your $h!t away. At $14/hour, I don't get paid enough to pick up after you.

6. Stay on beat or stand in the back. Honestly. This is not a racially motivated request either, Caucausians.

7. Work out. Actually do the class if you're going to take up space. If you don't break a sweat, you've just wasted your time, and mine.

8. Don't ask me what's next if I just told you what's next. I might lie the second time around.

9. Do not stand directly in my face. If you see my chewing gum, you're in my bubble. It's awkward, you're weird and I scream.

10. Do not skip the cool down and be on your merry way. That's just rude.

11. Take your sweat, snot and yuck rags with you. See #5.

12. Do not try to beat me to the next gig in class. Again. My class, I'm the boss, you take instruction from me. See #2.

13. Do not wimp out. Your Gucci purse is heavier than that barbell you're lugging around. I know you can work harder, so do it.

14. You challenge me, I'll challenge you harder. When I challenge you, take it and trust me, it's good for you.

15. Do not stare at me. No one looks pretty in this condition, please don't remind me with your creepy ways.

16. Ditch the monkey-see-monkey-do behavior. Listen to what I say, follow instruction and be prompt. I start to question your competence when I observe you observing the dope in the corner. Again, see #2.

17. Tell me if my makeup is running down my face like black rivers of tar. Or when I start to resemble KISS. Why would you let that happen? You'll be my new BFF!

18. Do not talk over me. I have the mic, and yet I have to turn it up, to be heard over you.

19. Do not tell me I goofed. I know.

20. You CAN laugh at my jokes. "Exer-taining" isn't as cracked up as it seems. Give me a courtesy laugh now and again.

21. Do not make me tell you twice. Wow, see #8, 12 and 16.

22. Work on good form. It's for you, not for me.

The End.